It still give me Pain

 its been a long time that i dah lupa about my blog. so here am i. 

    i have nothing to share cause it still the same. the feeling wont go away no matter how hard i try to let it go. nak rant about my new bf yay got new bf but at what cost? the pain still there, the trauma still there. well i should tell here my journey ke? i dont think so but if this can ease my pain. why not kan? 

    i have alot to share maybe. lol, tadi cakap takda benda nak share. i guess sadness, pain, trauma, heart ache, make it hard to opened up. it still the same.. i still cant opened up most of the thing that bothered me to anyone. its not that i dont want to. it just i dont know where to start, how to say it, to whom i should tell. i dont know and most of the time i feel like i cant say anything that bothered me cause i always end up crying.

    i hate myself when i cry. i start to cry over everything. i start to cry untill i cant breath. i will cry the pain out untill i fell asleep. i cry like everything cant be fix. i dont want to cry. its not i look weak, i am weak but also a strong person too. sometimes i wanna cry too. but i dont want to. i always hold myself back. i always think without thinking. and it always hurt me. 

     i dont like pain. i dont want to be in pain again and again. i dont want to get hurt. i dont like sadness. i dont like anxious. i dont like panic. i dont like verything negative aura. too much pain. i really dont want the pain anymore. sometimes when i test the water to someone, i ended up not tell a thing because i know we dont have the same emotional intelligence. people said 'communication is the key' but do they want to understand what im trying to tell them?

    i screamed pain on their face. i cry for help when i'm with them. not always. just sometimes. but is till cant hold it more than i can. i do have alot to tell. i do. 

    tapi pada siapa yang sudi?